Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Toxic emotions and a long lasting cold

I didn't make it to Cancun.  I had so much anxiety after packing my suitcase because the cold that I'd been dealing with since the end of January got much worse.  By the time I arrived at my Mom's house (a 7 hour drive from my house in Ohio), I had terrible sinus pain.  We did everything we could to drain my sinuses, and the next day I went in for acupuncture and Chinese herbs.  But by the end of the day, I was still too sick to travel.  So we had to cancel the trip.  

I spent a week in Maryland and missed 3-4 days of snowfall, so at least I felt a tiny bit closer to the beach vacation I was supposed to be having.  The downside was that I only had clothes for 70 degree weather, and it was a lot colder outside.  Hence, I visited the sauna in my Mom's condo nearly every day.  And, when I felt a bit better, I went shopping and found some great buys at a thrift shop -- the kind of designed labels I don't find in the local thrifts shops in rural Ohio.  I got into shopping and was on my feet nearly 2 hours, which charged my stress hormones up so that I had to do yoga for nearly 2 hours before I could think of eating.  Then I relapsed the next day.  But it was worth it because I had so much fun!

Now back in Ohio for a week and a half, I've had three NT treatments.  The first dealt with my cold.  Doc didn't inject my tonsils as he usually does, and when I asked about it, he said that he thinks the lymph has become stagnant.  He suggested that he'd been pushing a bit too hard and that I couldn't detox fast enough so he was going to slow down.  He did some injections in my cheeks to directly go into the sinuses.  I did an I.V. with some DMPS because I hadn't done any chelation in so long.

The next treatment I still had the cold.  It was moving around, chameleon-like, now a sore throat, now a post-nasal drip, or a head full of snot, changing as fast as the weather changes here in Central Ohio (A saying around here is "If you don't like the weather, wait a half hour.")  He was pretty gentle with me again, but he did do my tonsils, and I got a really painful sore throat the next evening.  But to my great delight, I have not had a sore throat since.  He gave me an HCl shot and another to take home and self-inject on Friday.

When I went in on Monday this week, he started pushing again.  I can just feel by the number of painful points he finds to inject.  Yet thetreatment seems to have done something to knock out the cold.  I felt it dissipate in the evening while I was sitting in bed reading.  I suddenly felt full of energy, my head and sinuses clear.  Somehow I managed to fall asleep, but I didn't stay asleep.

So at 4:30 a.m., I found myself anxious that I wasn't sleeping and concerned I was going to get that damned cold again. So far, I just have mild congestion.  But the anxiety spread to just about everything relating to this healing journey.

Doc wants me to start Human Growth Hormone.  Someone on the New Day forum (Phoenix Rising site) told me she, and several former Cheney patients she knows, crashed on HGH.  That information filtered through my subconscious during the night, I am sure, for I found myself fearful and full of distrust throughout the wee hours of the morning.

My mind kept focusing on muscle testing in his office yesterday. He  pulled out a briefcase of testing vials to see what would help me get well from this cold, and he came up with a vial of Standard Process Wheat Germ Oil.  Aaagh@!  He muscle tested me for it and 'showed' me that it made me stronger.  Yet I am gluten sensitive.  I've even done the genetic testing to show I have two DQ alleles which cause my immune system to make antibodies to gluten.  Back in 1999 I got very sick on Standard Process products, before I learned that I needed to be gluten free. Now a tiny bit of gluten contamination leaves me bloated and gives me loose stool.  I started thinking, how can I believe anything he tests for?  How can I put my trust in a physician again after what they've put me through?  (Major relapses due to a physician recommended raw juice fast, others from medications)

My mind shot back to October when he started me on T3 and I crashed badly.  It seemed as if my adrenals would never recover.  Then my liver got bad (high enzymes, nausea) and I wrote about how this was caused by the DMPS chelation.  I started to wonder if I was totally deluded working with this doctor and 'thinking' I was going to get better just because he has helped others.  Didn't every doctor who tried to help but hurt me verbally reassure me that s/he had helped countless others with CFS?

When the mind starts running down this path, there is sure trouble.  I got myself to the point where I was irritable and confused.  I yelled a string of curse words at the automated telephone answering service for my insurance company, slammed the phone down, and finally had the good sense to go sit on my meditation cushion.

An hour later I was calmer in mind and body.  I dealt with my distrust -- not by trying to convince myself to trust -- but by reminding myself that my Higher Power is ultimately in charge.  My doctor is human, and will make mistakes.  I take in his advice as guidance, not as dogma, and filter every recommendation through my own experience and my own inner wisdom.  I feel much calmer tonight. 

It has been especially hard to have the NT shake up all the stability in my life, for before starting this protocol I was nearly symptom free. I just had a very limited life, with no exercise and no standing in the evening. Now I can wash the dinner dishes (yippee! LOL) but I can't make plans with friends and find time for creative writing because I am always having some new symptom or other to deal with and never know when I am going to have to take a 2 or 3 hour nap in the middle of the day. Sometimes I think the trade-off wasn't worth it, and at those times, I'm also skeptical that I won't make a full recovery. When I look at Mike, or when I have good hours, I'm willing to forge ahead and resolve to cultivate a positive mental attitude. 

Mental attitude has been the greatest challenge during this treatment protocol for me. I haven't had to deal with much negative thinking since I recovered from depression and PTSD in 1996-7. Now it's as if I'm plunged back into that awful mindset and I wonder if the NT is actually triggering the release of those old emotions.

Still, I've decided I will try the HGH.  It looks as if I'm getting a dose smaller than the average starting dose, which makes me more comfortable although it still concerns me that many other CFS patients 'crashed.'  But I trust Doc's clinical experience.  He did say in the past that there is a time to start HGH. He said: "If I'd given it to Mike before he was ready, it wouldn't have helped."  First he has to shift the body into a rebuilding mode (an anabolic state) so that HGH supports a process that is already ongoing.  It's nice to know that he thinks I'm getting to that phase of recovery.


  1. Sorry to hear you couldn't make it to Cancun. :( Glad you seem to have finally beaten that cold though. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you with the GH!

  2. Bummer about Cancun and the rough times. I get it about the deeper levels of negative thinking... I'm healing from a different sort of thing... doing deep grieving work... I read somewhere that fear us just a negative expectation and boy do I realize how negative my expectations seem to be of late and how hard how hard I have to work to get it back to trust and love and joy. So, I'm wishing you even more trust in your higher self, in the wisdom of your soul.

  3. Getting a cold or sinus infection is a good sign IMHO. It shows your immune system is starting to work like a normal person's, i.e., the symptoms you experienced are that of a normal immune response, aren't they?


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