Saturday, June 26, 2010

Unfolding Blessings leading to recovery

Three weeks since the Trivedi retreat, I'm still bubbling with enthusiasm.  Every day I move closer to recovery, millimeter by millimeter.  Twenty two millimeters make an inch -- a real, visible difference!

I have moved up a notch on the Bell Scale from a 30 (during April relapse) to a definite 40 going on 50.  Dr. David Bell defines a 40 and a 50 thus:
40 Moderate symptoms at rest. Moderate to severe symptoms with exercise or activity; overall activity level reduced to 50%-70% of expected. Not confined to house. Unable to perform strenuous duties; able to perform light duty or desk work 3-4 hours a day, but requires rest periods.
 50 Moderate symptoms at rest; moderate to severe symptoms with exercise or activity; overall activity level reduced to 70% of expected. Unable to perform strenuous duties, but able to perform light duty or desk work 4-5 hours a day, but requires rest periods.
The categories seem limited to me because I'm so much more focused on what I can do and, perhaps, because I've been sick so long I've forgotten what it is like to be completely asymptomatic.  Here are some of things I now can do, compared with 3-10 weeks prior.

  • now 4 loads of laundry in 4 days  v.  used to do 1 load in 3 days
  • prepare easy meals and clean up afterwards   v.  left cleanup for someone else
  • go the stores and do other things afterwards  v.  used to go to store and rest
  • skip nap if I get 8 hours of sleep  v.  couldn't function without nap
  • wake refreshed after 7-8 hours sleep  v.  exhausted and groggy in morning
  • 15 min anaerobic exercise (weights) without PEM  v. always tired after exercise and sick next day
  • shower, straighten up, do something else  v.  showering always left me tired
  • walk 4-6 blocks in divided doses   v.  used to walk only around the house

Since the Trivedi blessing energy worked on my heart, I've only had very slight palpitations, like a soft flutter, about 3 times -- none of that out-of-control forceful palpitations like a wild animal trapped in a cage. Recording blood pressure and pulse 2-4 times a day, I see a pattern of decreased tachycardia.  I recover my quickly from overexertion.

Standing is still my biggest issue.  If I have stress, if I don't sleep well, my blood pressure drops and I get symptoms of orthostatic intolerance after a few minutes on my feet.  If I am rested and relaxed, if my blood pressure is over 100 systolic and 75 diastolic, I am able to stand for a longer time without symptoms.  Because of the standing problem, I'm not quite back to where I was in March 2010, before relapsing.

I haven't pushed the envelope to see how far I can go.  I just find myself doing a little bit more every day.

To be fair, I ought to point out that I've had some symptoms re-appear.  I barely worked on the computer and didn't have time to blog for over a week because every night, by 8 pm, my right eye would ache, my right tonsil would swell, and my right shoulder and hip would hurt.  I'd have to lie down with an ice pack, or soak in epson salts for a hour to get a little relief.  It hasn't bothered me the last two nights.

Also new has been a few days of muscle tension.  In the past I had muscle all the time; this (as well as depression) got me into yoga.  I found that doing hatha yoga postures relieved my body tension; it also helped me deal with insomnia.  As unpleasant as it is, I'm celebrating that I now have the energy to get tense!  Hopefully I'll soon develop the energy for a vigorous-enough yoga practice to release the tension.

My attitude towards new symptoms has been positive:  I see them as the body's attempt to heal.  For the eye pain, I imagine my retina trying to repair the damage from the retinal detachment.  For the tension, I celebrate the capacity of my adrenals to make more stress hormone.  This attitude in itself is worth all the trouble I went to in Chicago!

May you all find a path to recovery!  I'm still working on developing a Trivedi effect (tm) study for ME-CFS in hope of helping those who can't afford to pay his fees for blessings.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Blessed Healing

The Trivedi retreat last weekend in Chicago was an amazing experience.  I am still bubbling with joy and excitement about it.  It is transforming my life in a wonderful way!

The retreat itself was difficult.  I was lucky because I didn’t even consider the difficulties when I made plans to go.  If I had, I surely would have reconsidered my plans, fretted, made myself anxious, maybe even come down with a cold. 

Surely the blessings from the month of May were having a positive effect on my brain!  I hadn’t received everything I wanted, but I had received a great gift – a huge diminishment of fear.  Fear had propelled my relapse since the dreadful experience on March 26.  It had been the main focus of my work with energy healers during the month of April.  Now it was 99% gone.  A true miracle!

The hard part
The first night of the retreat, I was a mess.  I had walked too much: from the parking lot to the hotel entrance, from the hotel entrance to my room, from my room to the registration/meeting room, back to my room, back  to registration.  I lay on the floor, my calves resting on my front row chair, popping Folirinse B12 pills and praying that my heart would calm down.  I also indulged in a heavy dose of self-pity, punctuated with occasional anger at self, hotel, and conference organizers.  Trivedi’s discourse went well beyond the scheduled end time of 10 pm Central Time (11 pm on my internal clock).  I grew more and more tired, and more stressed – for overriding fatigue to stay awake always triggers my stress response.

Finally, it was time for the first blessing.  Since there was no free wheelchair to take me to my room, so I had to leave the retreat early and miss the blessing.  Once in my bedroom, I crashed onto the bed and burst into tears.  My prayers for healing of my cardiac symptoms were intense, fueled by urgency, desperation and self-pity.  Then I lay still, feeling an amazing calm pervade my cells.  I could feel the energy working powerfully on my heart.  It moved into my left eye and temple, and after a while, down into my legs and finally into my stomach and head -- all the areas where my illness has been most deeply lodged.  I fell into a deep sleep shortly after midnight.

I woke some 6 hours later, hungover with PEM – post-exertional-malaise.  Then I experienced another miracle.   I took a shower and actually felt refreshed!  (For readers without ME-CFS, taking a shower is usually a stress due to orthostatic intolerance, which gets worse in the warm water and leaves us feeling exhausted.)   I went down to the meeting room 90 minutes before the morning session started, lay out my yoga mat, and started doing a hatha yoga practice.  Again, I was amazed.  My practice was strong, and even more incredible was my greatly increased flexibility.  Grinning from ear to ear when the workshop started, I took my seat on the floor without collecting my sandals.  Hours later, when I discovered them ‘missing’, I hunted for them in a hall filled with 300 people without feeling the slightest amount of stress.

The high didn’t last.  By late morning I was exhausted.  Exhaustion intensified during the afternoon session, as feelings and traumatic memories emerged from their tombs.  I even dozed off and started to snore while Trivedi was talking!  I stayed in the room for the afternoon blessing and nearly collapsed trudging back to the room through a sea of people!  At dinner I was wired and intensely hungry.

That evening I was too tired to participate.  I lay in the back of the room, resting in corpse pose or doing a few gentle stresses to ease the pain in every vertebra and rib of my back.  Before the evening session ended, I was back in my room, too exhausted to sob.  I prayed for sleep.

The hardest part
PEM was worse the second morning, although I got 7 hours of sleep.  During the retreat, Mr. Trivedi talked a good bit about sleep.  He said that he only sleeps 1 to 2 hours a night, but he awakens refreshed and energetic.  He urged us not to attach to any theory or past experience about the optimal number of hours of sleep.  Instead, we should judge whether we were sleeping adequately by how rested and energetic we felt.  I was, in my mind, a dismal failure in this regard. 

I wondered how some of the other sick people were doing.  Mr. Trivedi has specifically urged individuals with neurological illnesses like MS and Parkinson’s to attend.  He had introduced us to a young man with autism that was responding to his blessings.  ME-CFS ought to fit into that category, I thought.  But were we beyond help?  Were we just too weak to detox?  Too toxic to experience an elevation in our energy state?

I wasn’t prepared for the onrush of emotions that flowed through me on the way to the meeting room.  By the time I had spilled my heart to a man in a wheelchair and his wife, tears were pressing against my closed lids.  I asked to speak to someone, and when a kind-hearted member of the support team sat down beside me, the tears streamed down my cheeks.  Little did I realize I was about to receive another blessing.

Mr. Trivedi appeared in the anteroom to the meeting hall.  “You are releasing traumatic memories?” he asked.  I shrugged.  All I could think at that moment was, I am way too sick to participate.  You should have shorter sessions if you want sick people to attend! Self-righteousness.  Self-pity.  Such frequent, unwelcome visitors to my consciousness.

“Come, sit down,” he said, pointing to the floor in front of his chair.  I kicked off my flip flops and dropped a wad of wet tissues on the floor.  “Hurry up!” he said.  “Don’t make me wait.”

What a trigger that was!  I do not like to be hurried.  I wanted to defend myself.  I wanted to argue.  But he was already telling me to close my eyes and pray to the God of my understanding.  I felt his hand on the crown of my head, as if he were pushing a switch.  The inner arguments stopped.  He brushed my forehead and few times and then told me to rest.

My eyes continued to shed tears for a few minutes at the back of the meeting room.  Then he began a group blessing which he introduced as a mild, 10 minute blessing.  I forced myself to stop crying and receive the energy.  In a few minutes, the urge to cry completely dissipated. 

As Mr. Trivedi talked, and as he invited participants to share their experiences, I sank into a deep state of relaxation.  Soon I was as soft and porous as a wet sponge.

In this state, it was a joyful experience to receive the fourth master blessing.  The energy vibrated through the pores of my being as a gentle, luminous vibration.  I felt as if every electron in my body were dancing in joy and delight.  I rested in the meeting room long after everyone else had gone to lunch, reveling in the magical transformation from dense unhappiness to expansive joy and peace.

More difficulties
I got up and danced over to the lunch room ---ha! in my dreams!  The real afternoon started with a mild headache and ended with an intense headache, achiness all over, chills, and possibly a low grade fever.  I was in a major detox!

When the retreat ended at the civilized hour of 4 pm, I went to my room, lay in bed, did an enema to release toxins, took activated charcoal, and lay in bed some more.  Despite my crappy physical state, I was exhilarated and enthused.  This helped me to recognize my symptoms as a powerful detox.  I rested all evening, taking time only to write in my journal until my headache and chills diminished enough to sleep.

The next morning, I awakened feeling slightly energized.  I took my yoga mat outside in the morning sunshine and again, enjoyed a strong practice.  My muscles seemed stronger than they had in the past 3 years, allowing me to do a few vigorous poses that I had abandoned since my relapse.  I tired quickly, celebrating my wonderful transformation.

I had scheduled a personal blessing for the first slot in the morning so that my friend and I could being our 7 hour drive to Ohio.  When I arrived at registration, there were 30 people ahead of me.  What a shock! 

I struggled with the urge to run.  I should leave now.  I’ll never make it on the drive home.  It’s already 9:30.  I won’t get out of here until 11:30, and if we get started that late, we won’t get home until 8:30 at night.  I’ll be exhausted.  I finally feel better.  I shouldn’t blow it.

I struggled with the urge to stay.  When am I going to get another opportunity to see Trivedi in person?  He told me to come see him Monday morning to talk about my autistic daughter.  I really should stay.  It would be crazy to leave now that I’m so close.

In the end, I sat in the cue.  When the sobs started, I was moved to a private room.  By the end of my 2 hour wait, I had come to realize that my alternating anger and sobbing were related to the pain of losing my daughter to autism. 

When I told Mr. Trivedi about my morning ride of emotions, he burst out laughing.    “That’s wonderful!” he exclaimed, and I caught his infectious laughter.

After the blessing, I was filled with a most wonderful peace.  I felt as if something huge inside me had shifted.  Lying in the back of my friend’s van as we drove East on I-355, I felt waves of humility and gratitude.  I wanted to lie at Trivedi’s feet.  I was now willing to call him “Guruji.”

Reaping the benefits
Yes, we got home at 8:30 pm, but no, I was not tired.  Nor was I wired.  Instead, I was abuzz with energy.  Even after midnight, lying in bed beside David, I felt the electrons dancing in every cell of my body.

It was vaguely similar to the charged up, high glutamate, high oxidative stress state of CFS when it feels as if each nerve ending is exploding in a show of miniature fireworks.  But it was pleasant, amazing pleasant.  And instead of being anxious about not sleeping, or anxious about anything whatsoever, I was filled with bubbles and bubbles of joy.

Each day this week my energy has improved.  I’ve had periods of detox, and periods of fatigue. I’ve slept 7 hours one night and 10 hours another.  But regardless of whichever symptoms appear from time to time, I’ve been able to steadily increase my activity. 

Here are some of my wonderful successes:
*      I stood long enough to prepare food and wash the dinner dishes
*      I walked around Whole Foods yesterday without feeling tired or afraid of standing too long
*      My body temperature has gone up to 98.4 degrees (it is usually below 98.0)
*      My pulse has come down to between 66 and 76
*      My blood pressure is less erratic, albeit still very low
*      I haven’t had chest pains or palpitations for 8 days
*      I have done midday relaxation sessions (yoga nidra) without falling asleep
*      Yesterday I awakened feeling refreshed from my 7 – 8 hours of sleep
*      Bowels working with less than ½ the amount of Mg and Vit C

In sum, everything I asked for at my first blessings on April 30 and May 1 has been granted.  Now, of course, I am asking for me.  I’d like to be able to take long walks, go dancing, drink wine, travel, and do something productive with my time.  I’d like to stop taking a boatload of supplements.

How far can this wonderful energy take me?

What’s next?
I’m hoping to interest the Trivedi Foundation in doing a study on ME-CFS patients, especially those who are bed bound or house bound.  If you would be interested in participating, leave a comment below with the following information:

Where you live (Country, State)
How long you’ve been sick
What level of functioning you currently are on the Bell Scale or the Energy Scale (approximate) and how much you have fluctuated over the course of your illness. 

USA, Ohio
23 years
currently 40%, (range: 30-85%)

Monday, June 7, 2010

Coxsackie B: My Nemesis

I sat at the computer gaping with amazement.  Dr. Martin Lerner, who I’ve heard about at my Columbus Doc’s office as “the guy who focuses on viruses and antivirals”, has been researching cardiac issues in CFS since 1993.  He has done Holter tests and echocardiography and biopsies.  He has found that viral reactivation is the cause of relapses.  He has published his research in peer-reviewed scientific journals, working together with academic researchers at Wayne State University.   His work is thorough, detailed, and firmly rooted in science.  No muscle testing ‘proving’ to me that gliadin-rich wheat germ oil will help me.  I clicked on one link after another, voraciously reading until my eyes glazed over and my brain melted into a puddle. 

Thank you Peggy Munson for linking to his work in your blog!  It is wonderful how we all learn from one another.  Sharing information and our personal journeys not only lessens the bite of isolation, but brings us closer to solutions on our own healing journeys.

I made an appointment with a local cardiologist and, two days later, showed up with a bibliography of Lerner’s publications and an article describing his theories.  They glanced over it, copied it to put in my file, and explained to me the tests they would order:  a stress test (with exercise or a drug to dilate the arteries), an EKG, a 24 hour Holter or a week-long incident Holter, a sonogram of the heart.  “I’ve had all those tests before,” I said, “except the stress test, which I can’t do because the exercise will make my relapse worse.”

“We’ll do it with the drug then,” she said.  And I knew then that I would not waste another day in a doctor’s office.  At least not this doctor.  Lerner had found abnormalities in the T waves of CFS patients while they exercised, something that wouldn’t be found with a dilating drug.   Nor would I consider taking a beta-blocker to ease my chest pain when my blood pressure often dropped to 85/57.  I called Lerner’s office and made an appointment.

Although I had cancelled nearly all of my appointments with my Columbus NT doc, I hadn’t burned all of my bridges.  I went in at the end of the week and asked him to draw blood to retest my viral titers.  In the beginning of treatment, he had done the standard screening and found me to have evidence of past infection of EBV and HHV6, confirming what Dr. Sue Levine and others had found.  He also found me to have a slightly elevated titer for Coxsackie virus B 6, again indicating prior infection.  As in the past, I had concluded that viruses were not a big issue in my personal variation of ME-CFS.  But now I had the idea that, since I had never been tested during a relapse, I might show a very different picture.  I knew from personal experience that stress reactivates viruses in the herpes family.  I’d seen Dr. Ronald Glaser’s bibliography on the role of stress as a factor in reactivating the Epstein Barr Virus.  The reactivation of this virus would explain my symptoms.

Lo and behold, I did show viral reactivation of EBV and HHV6.  But the most significant elevation of viral titers was for Coxsackie B3, an enterovirus known for causing myocarditis.  I had found the cause of my relapses.

I've been researching the Coxsackie viruses.  They have been connected with ME-CFS by Dr. John Chia, who has found that 80% of his ME-CFS patients have either Coxsackie or Echo Virus upon biopsy of the stomach.  Coxsackie B Virus 3 (henceforth CBV3) is known to enter the body through the gut and then infect the heart and brain.  Like most other viruses, it only remains in the blood stream, detectable by PCR, for a few weeks.  Then it hides inside the cells of various body tissues.

The more I read about CBV3, the more it seemed to explain every single relapse I've had since my first recovery from ME-CFS in 1990.  Viruses are reactivated by stress, and all my relapses have been brought on by stress.  While the first one (1994) was characterized by digestive complaints and emotional turmoil from PTSD, the next two (2000 and 2007) started with cardiac hyperarousal which, after a few weeks, led to an aggravation of brain issues, orthostatic intolerance, digestive issues, endocrine issues, and fatigue.  Even when I felt great for a few weeks in the summer of 2007, before relapsing, I was getting frequent tachycardia, palpitations, and chest pain.  And my urinary amino acid testings showed evidence of malabsorption, while my stool testing showed a perfectly healthy mix of commensal bacteria and no pathogenic bowel organisms.

Viruses stay in the body forever, although they can be contained by a healthy immune system.  Normally, I would have seen this as cause for distress.  I would have cried and whined and begun to feel hopeless. But since getting several blessings from Mahendra Kumar Trivedi, I have believed that my body is capable of healing.  And Mr. Trivedi is a powerful ally on this path.

Trivedi is an Indian holy man who seems to have direct access to the Divine.  He shares his gifts by blessing the earth and blessing people.  His passion over the last few years has been to document scientifically the benefits of his blessings.  You can read more on the website of the 
TrivediFoundation, where you'll find data from research studies in agriculture, microbiology, physics, and genetics, as well as human wellness.  Of particular interest to me is Trivedi's work with viruses:  laboratories tested how he was able to reduce the levels of HIV, Hepatitis B and C, and Cytomegaloviruses in tubes of plasma.  At his introductory lecture, he presented a simple graph that made this research accessible to lay people.

Do you now understand why I felt optimistic?  If viral reactivation is causing my relapses, and if Mr. Trivedi can reduce my viral load, I can move to a state of increased wellness.  Even though I'll always have the virus in my system and therefore always have to be careful, if I get the virus into remission, I can rebuild my strength.  I can get stem cells to speed the rebuilding of damaged heart and brain cells.  And if I have a big stress and feel any cardiac symptoms, I can flood my bloodstream with herbal and pharmaceutical antivirals.  What a wonderful plan!

I didn't have long to wait to get started on the first step.  I signed up online for an individual remote blessing with Trivedi, and for a series of  two group blessings.  I also signed up to attend the retreat in Chicago because he was urging people with serious illnesses like MS and Parkinson's to attend.  I knew it would be a stretch for me to travel that far (7+ hours), stay in a hotel, and be present during the retreat, but I felt compelled to do it by a great inner force.  Fortunately, I had fantastic results, which is why I'm writing this evening after a full day of travel.  But, as it is now 10:30, I am going to retire for the night, and tell you all about my fantastic results in a few days.  I can barely wait to see how great I feel tomorrow!!

PS Sorry for the changing typefaces.  I can't seem to sort them out now.  :)

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

A revolving door - part 2 - and more blessings

It’s getting a bit old, this current relapse.  I documented its start with a fear/stress trigger on March 26, its development through April with cardiac symptoms like chest pain and palpitations, and some of the ins and outs I experienced in the month of May.

I hoped neural therapy would prevent it from getting really bad, from sending me down another notch or two on the energy/fatigue scale as every previous relapse had done.  And I believe it did help.  But neural therapy didn’t prevent me from relapsing, and was only able to control my symptoms for a few hours after each treatment.  I suffered during the intervening days with the unpredictability of old symptoms emerging at the slightest stress – standing for a few minutes too long, sitting at the computer when I was tired, getting up from my seat at intermission during a concert.

At the end of March, I heard Mr. Trivedi speak in Columbus, and received a blessing from him.  Whether it was placebo or a holy miracle, I had a few days of detox and a long spate free of cardiac symptoms.  Then, I went in for another neural therapy appointment.  As soon as the needle pierced my skin, I knew I’d made the wrong decision.  I knew I should have cancelled and continued to let the Trivedi blessing work its magic.  But there I was, lying on the examination table, Doc’s syringe filled with German homeopathics called pleos.  I winced at one injection after another, cursing and complaining loudly about the pain, pleading with him to do the absolute minimum.  When he finished, I felt wound up like a spring.  The effervescence joy I had when I’d entered the office was gone, gone, gone.  “I feel much worse,” I said, and he put his hands on me again, feeling my pulses and the flow of energy.  He got out his lights (infrared, laser) and his pulsation device and began ‘unwinding’ me until I felt almost as good as I had when I first arrived. 

While NT had seemed to help in the past, now it brought me back to my pre-Trivedi blessing state.  I had episode of palpitations two hours later.  Using EFT (emotional freedom technique), I tapped on acupressure points silently mouthing affirmations, and kept myself from going into a full blown stress reaction.  

With Folirinse/B12 as a tool to lower norepinephrine, and EFT to reduce the mental fear response of relapsing, I hoped I’d quickly return to the calm of my post-blessing state.  But I didn’t leave well enough alone.  I went to the acupuncturist who had helped me two weeks earlier, and got so terribly unbalanced again that I suffered for over a week with a new symptom:  waking in the middle of the night feeling exceedingly hot, with chest pain, and palpitations.

I signed up for a remote group blessing with Trivedi – a two hour conference call on May 11 with Trivedi and other blessees – with the hope of getting from it the same benefits I’d gotten the first time.  Surprise!  I had the same reaction I’d had from the acupuncture but worse: gastric burning and a huge swollen gland added some new flavors to the CFS stew.  I was keyed up all morning.  The Folirinse B12 combination didn’t help.  I finally got some pot from a friend, took two drags and got rid of my chest pain. 

This middle of the night waking with palpitations and burning went on and on and on.   I did the normal juggling of supplements, stopping this, starting that, without seeming to have much impact.  Other nights, my stress arousal started early, and I wouldn’t fall asleep until 5 am.  By the end of the week, I was an emotional wreck and extremely wired.  Still I didn’t lose faith in the benevolence of the Trivedi blessings.  The holy man Trivedi has prayed for my happiness and my well-being.  I had been blessed, and I felt blessed.

I reminded myself of a few things he’d said during one of his discourses:  his intention is transformation.   When he prays for happiness for everyone in the group on the call, he doesn’t know if one person’s happiness depends upon beginning a romantic relationship while another person’s happiness depends upon ending a stressful relationship, but God knows.  We don’t take the audacious stance of telling God what we think we need, for we could be wrong; we let God direct our transformation.  I had asked for vibrant health, to be able to serve others, to be active in the world and share my gifts.  I had to accept that a worsening of symptoms was a possible reaction – a step in the healing process.  It helped that, despite my physical misery, I maintained a great state of mind.  I kept thought of my body trying to find its way back to its original blueprint for vibrant health.  And I considered the possibility that the core issue of my illness was getting more and more focused.

Fast forward a few days.  Brian, the Most Fantastic Acupuncturist Ever, was coming into town for a week.  I was looking forward to getting his input on my condition; I knew he would not keep the needles in for too long.  I knew he would monitor my pulses and my energy flow as he worked.  Each time he moved the needles, I felt the blockages release and the energy begin to flow.  I left his office mellow and relaxed.  But when I got in bed at night, I was too wired to sleep.  I had a headache the next day and felt terrible unbalanced all over again.  I put all my hopes in another Trivedi blessing, which I had scheduled two nights ahead.

This time I had an individual remote blessing.  I got ready early and sat quietly in my room in the dark, my spine straight, my eyes closed, envisioning myself in my mind’s eye as active and healthy.  All of a sudden I felt a jolt of energy course through me.  It was a pleasant energy, not quite blissful, but a feeling I could readily enjoy for hours on end – or as a continual state.  I glanced at the clock:  it was exactly 10:03, the time scheduled for my blessing.  I rested for awhile and enjoyed a very pleasant state.

Since the first blessing had once cleared up my sleep problems, I expected the second one to do the same thing.  Instead, I was up half the night, and up half the following night, grateful that I could sleep until 11 am.  After that, I’d have a normal night every few days interspersed with one or more sleepless nights. If the Trivedi blessings were ‘working’, it was not on the physical plane of symptom relief!  

By the end of the week, the benefits of the blessings came clear. Trivedi emphasized that blessings help us to listen to our inner voice. Each time I lay down to do yoga nidra, I would set my intention:  As the blessing unfolds, may I make all the right choices for my healing. Invariably, I’d realize that I didn’t want to go into my next NT appointment, and when I finished relaxing, I’d call the office and cancel.  Soon I was able to accept that I would not be going in for treatment at the end of May, nor in early June right before and right after the Trivedi retreat.  Apparently, I was going to need a long break.  Perhaps, I would never go back.  Perhaps I would recover on my own from the blessings.  Perhaps everything would work out, just as it should. 

And lo and behold it did, but not the way I expected it to work.  Next time I write, I'll tell you more.