Saturday, August 14, 2010

Forty improvements

I still feel good. Hurray!

Even though there have been some days when I was really tired, and a few nights when I could not fall asleep until 6 am, I still feel better than I did before. My fatigue has a different quality to it -- less of a sick fatigue feeling, more like the fatigue I used to feel when I was overworked and under-rested.

Nevertheless, I find during low energy states that I start doubting everything.

Am I really improving?

Could this be my imagination?

I'm not doing nearly as well as I like to think.

Many variations of these thoughts flutter through the synapses of my brain. I grab onto them, letting them weight me down with self-pity, fear, and disappointment, collecting them until I am more tired, more sick, and more wired.

I know this pattern too well. It's one that developed as ME-CFS became chronic. As fluctuating symptoms sent me on an emotional roller coaster, leaving me frustrated and powerless, I gradually discovered ways to gain some control. If I become hyper-alert to slight fluctuations in my physical state, I could avoid the worst symptoms.

Thus, if I realized I needed to eat before I felt hungry, I could avoid the crushing symptoms of fluctuations in blood sugar. If I put on socks and a sweater the minute I felt cold, I'd be less likely to get a runny nose. If I sat down, or did yoga, as soon as sensations in my feet indicated I'd been standing long enough, I could avoid a full-blown attack of POTS. Thus, this hyper-vigilance served me well in becoming proficient at my own self care.

But it also limited me because I became conditioned to think that my limit today would be the same as my limit the day before. I wanted a certain modicum of stability and predictabilty. And so, without realizing what was happening, I slipped from caution into fear.

As I lay in bed the day the San Diego Trivedi retreat ended, I noticed the fearful "What if?s" arising in my consciousness. What if I feel sick again when I get home?  What if I get stressed again on the flight? Will I lose everything I've gained? I had an internal dialogue, trying the subdue those anxious thoughts. Yet I knew they would return more insistently when I returned to the environment in which I'd been sick for so many years.

Enter Linda White, a shaman/healer living in San Diego, who had given me a ride home the first night of the retreat, and who had offered to help me work with "those conditioned thought patterns and beliefs that have to change in order for us to get well." "The key to not falling back into old patterns," she said, "is to develop new patterns to heal and replace the unconscious conditioning."

I could see how powerful was the downward pull of my mind, how I kept identifying with my sick body and wounded spirit-mind even though I wanted to identify with the new radiant, expansive, energetic me! I made an appointment for the next day, where I learned two affirmations that allow me to return to that radiant, expansive state even when I am tired.

Next, while waiting for my flight to board at the airport, I wrote a list of every little way in which I have improved since meeting Mr. Trivedi on April 30. I knew I'd return to this list the next time doubt, fear, and fatigue clouded my awareness of my transformed self.

Nearly two weeks later, everything on the list is still 100% true. And while I returned to the list to type this blog post, I never had to look at it. I merely remembered it and felt my inner organs smile. Then I could do the centering technique and move back into a peaceful state.

Here is my list, weighted towards my physical symptoms.

  1. no more post dental surgery bad breath
  2. improved sleep
  3. no more palpitations
  4. less tachycardia (documented in blood pressure monitor log)
  5. less chest pain
  6. more stable blood pressure
  7. higher average blood pressure (closer to optimal)
  8. infrequent dry mouth
  9. less volume of urine
  10. increased desire to do things
  11. ability increased to deal with mental challenges
  12. tasks previously frustrating now seem moderately easy
  13. waking only once a night often
  14. waking usually only twice a night when stressed
  15. falling asleep more easily
  16. return of sexual desire (when not tired)
  17. more swollen glands (before San Diego retreat)
  18. more sore throats (before San Diego retreat)
  19. more pain & inflammation in damaged right eye
  20. recovered quickly from strep throat infection
  21. immune system mounting fevers
  22. able to eat cow dairy (mmmm ice cream)
  23. able to drink caffeinated tea
  24. able to drink decaf coffee in morning
  25. orthostatic intolerance less severe
  26. able to stand long enough for personal care like showering, meal preparation and clean-up
  27. recover from overexertion more rapidly
  28. can take short walks (20 minutes)
  29. less soreness after exercise
  30. shorter duration of soreness after exercise (weights, yoga)
  31. at retreat, danced freely one song and did not get sick
  32. can manage on less sleep when necessary
  33. reduced mind chatter
  34. able to do small projects around house
  35. rarely feel cold, except when tired
  36. rarely get wired, hyper state
  37. recover more quickly from wired state
  38. feel lighter, more expansive
  39. more optimistic most of the time
  40. experience waves of gratitude and love
In the last few days, the unfolding of energy is working hard to heal my emotions, especially those associated with my marital relationship of fifteen years duration.  My partner went to Northern California when I left for San Diego and stayed an extra 8 days.


The first night of his return, I felt a hollow in my heart center which led me to talk with him and realize, to my amazement, that the next phase of my healing journey is about our relationship. At the end of the retreat, I had thought, apparently mistakenly, that it would be about finding my path of service and work.

But the energy of the Trivedi blessings unfolds in ways we can’t anticipate.I remember Guruji Trivedi stating on one of the knowledge calls that he can’t know what will bring happiness to any individual, since for one person leaving an abusive relationship might be the path while for another finding a soul-mate will happen.
Two days later we argued about something that had been bothering me for quite a while. I wanted to ‘let it go’, but I felt my anger flare. It was apparently unimportant enough in the big scheme of things that I can no longer remember what we argued about a mere two days later! But argue we did.

In this unhappy state, we went our separate ways until, in late afternoon, when I was sitting in bed feeling sick, I initiated a conversation and found the heart-hollow feelings of the previous evening re-emerging with a new level of awareness.Had I journaled soon afterwards, I might have remembered what that was. But the memory is gone now…for more thoughts and feelings came to fill all my consciousness. (And I guess my memory still has a lot of room for improvement)

Shortly after our peaceful reconciliation, I became aware how quickly I improved, how my swollen gland diminished, my sinuses cleared, and my temperature regulation began to function better, giving me a chance to write an earlier version of this post, which disappeared when I went to save it.. GRRRR!  Anger flared strongly again that night about my continuing-to-malfunction computer despite my having spent two weeks restoring it with a new OS, reloaded drivers and programs.

Late that evening, while I lay in bed trying to relax, I saw a pattern in my life that I had never before noticed. The awareness started with admitting that the very things I was judging in my partner were issues I also had: e.g. being self-absorbed, starting and not finishing things, taking on too much, not acting according to the priorities I want to choose but out of old conditioning.

The most powerful of these was seeing how much I had been self-absorbed since coming down with ME-CFS in 1987. That trauma, on top of the traumas of a failed first marriage and a beautiful intelligent daughter lost to autism, left me in the vulnerable state of looking outside myself for a fix. I didn’t know what I wanted or what I needed to fix. Yet I believed that a loving, nurturing man would make me feel better. And so I fell victim to men who offered care-taking, who were willing to put up with my self-absorption and neediness, who seemed strong, able-bodied, and emotionally together, all the time being blind to who those men really were.

It seems now that everything I have been angry about is coming to the surface and that I no longer have the capacity to ignore it. I feel how these emotions disconnect me from spirit, making me contract into a hard tight dense being which doesn't allow the energy to flow freely through.

Guruji Trivedi reminds us that we are all capable of being perfect conductors of divine energy.  We just have a lot of resistance, unlike animals and plants, all of which respond to one blessing.  Most of us humans need one blessing after another as we struggle to release ourselves from physical, energetic, and mental-emotional patterns that create resistance to the currents of grace.

5 comments:

  1. Wow, Janis. Such raw vulnerability in your post. I am touched by that. Thank you for sharing such depth of your journey. Your deep reflecting, *conscious* self-evaluating, and strong desire to connect with your True self (that is whole, healthy, Divine)is so apparent. You wrote so beautifully, and I could relate so much. The concept of emotional ('woundology") healing has presented itself to me numerous times in the last few months. (Linda sounded like a Divine appointment for you. You are manifesting...)
    Isn't that kinda the way it all goes,tho right...? We do all we can holistically physically to heal, try to 'manage' everything, 'rise above' our emotions, eat right, yada yada...feel better, back slide, improve, on and on..get to the place of 'nothing is (fully) working,' and then we get to pay witness to how powerful our emotional wounds can show up-in ways far beyond our imagination.

    You may already be involved or aware of these resources, but have you downloaded the free eft manual yet? Everything you are talking about made me think of that. (www.emofree.com, then redirects to new link-forget it by heart.) Also, the teachings of Abraham are found in a book series published by Esther and Jerry Hicks. There are many, I will check mine to refer you to the one that talks about utilizing our emotions on a scale they've created to see where we are, (benchmark) and then move along the continum (sp?)through that starting point, to connecting with our iwn Divine/higher self. For just an example, the emotion of revenge is a higher vibrating emotion than self pity. Hard to decribe in brief, but the material is like no other. Their material is at abraham-hicks.com, and there are nice free audios to listen to there. Very rich, and will keep you moving forward with what you have already experienced, for sure. On your own.
    I hope you got my last post, I trust you will receive this one, and that my appreciation for all of your writing and efforts comes through loud and clear for you. Sleep and wake with the Angels,
    Holisticgal

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  2. Hi,
    I tried to login again today, here is what I got:
    <> Argh! I cannot access the files about how to start slowly, which order, etc. I also am desperately trying to read on the other site you gave me (I had already registered), and something odd happens-I see everything, I click on the post to read it, it opens, then all of a sudden it flashes to another site with a dell/google error telling me the page is unavail...(?)and then all the material is gone off the page. I despertely try the back button to reload, and it loops-this happens with nearly all the posts (they are the new ones, too.) So, I am still unable to access the necessary material to start the protocols. Also, I have some very inportant information to post about an upcoming free call that a medical intuitive is having on cfs. She will be discussing the mind-body-soul connection to the disorder, the emotional factors common with the disorder, as well as the role the specific chakras play, and much more. She is a Hay House best selling author, and she is wonderful. I want to post this so people can register and join in for the hour, or have the links to purchase the (less than $10) audio after the call if they want. It is a live call, and people can also (right now) post questions the site in advance to get them answered by her. She is such a warm, caring woman, and I sent her this information about Rich's protocols last week so she can 'look' at it all. I want to send more, but I cannot access it on either site....Okay. Next topic:
    Here is the book inforamation I told you about. I went digging to find what I was referencing for you. Lucky you, it is on amazon to preview. You can read alot there. Here is the link, and it is chapter 22, page 114 that I was talking about. See what you think, if this will accompany you in your current quest: http://www.amazon.com/Ask-Given-Jerry-Hicks/dp/1401907997/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1281987137&sr=1-1#reader_1401907997
    As I was locating this, I was guided back to it myself, finally having the energy to read again! I will be doing so, too. :)
    Thank you again Janis for any help you can give regarding my accessing of this info. If you have an email addressf or me to email the adminstrators of either site, I would be SO appreciative.
    Blessings til next time,
    holisticgal

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  3. Janis,

    Argh! yes.... I too have experienced how I am more likely to get sick or lose energy when I get angry at my partner. And am, more recently, really seeing that I am angry... an anger that spills out from somewhere in the core of my being... very old. And how, like you w/ your partner, the underlying issue relates to judgment of the very things I don't like in myself. Taking responsibility of this is of course not nearly as comfortable or convenient as blaming my partner, denying the issues behind my anger and denying my own crap.

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  4. Hi Janis,

    This is great news...congratulations. Are you still planning on getting a group of patients together to try and do some sort of informal study? You had mentioned this on the Phoenix Rising forums a few months back...

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  5. "Late that evening, while I lay in bed trying to relax, I saw a pattern in my life that I had never before noticed. The awareness started with admitting that the very things I was judging in my partner were issues I also had: e.g. being self-absorbed, starting and not finishing things, taking on too much, not acting according to the priorities I want to choose but out of old conditioning."

    BINGO! I can totally, totally relate to this exact same situation and feelings.

    Beautiful post.

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Please add your comments here. If you have a question specific to your own condition, please e-mail me directly at drjanisbell@gmail.com I cannot give medical advice. If you want to suggest a product or therapy you think I should try, please let me know if you have used it, what you used it for, and how it helped you.